an appreciation

I started reading a certain blog around October 2012: She loves magazine. I cannot say I have been consistent; there are some days I just did not want to hear anything about God, not even from the She Lovelies! I love the sisterhood; this is the family everyone needs in life. I love the fact that we are free about our beliefs; that we talk about our worries, even the fact that sometimes we don’t believe God! No we are not saying we are atheists, we are accepting the fact that there are those times when not even the Bible makes sense!

It is amazing that I could write all the things in the last paragraph but I have come a long way! I do not know who puts this imagery of how a Christian should be/act like in our minds, that we forget who we are trying to follow this ideal of an ‘ideal Christian’. We throw away the fact that God is ‘the God who sees me’

My walk is crumpled with fear, with uncertainty and with myself! I fear that I may not be worthy after all; that he’s blood might not cover the multitude that is my sins. I fear that I am getting too comfortable, that on the day of accounts, I will just stand there dumb folded, tongue tied because of the weight of my unexplainable burden!

 I fear that I will lose my Jesus, that I will try so hard to find him and I will just lose him! But the worst thing is that I may see him going and I will stand there transfixed, my mind stuck on the chaos I have made instead!

There are times when I am all firmness and trusting. Standing on his promises and spreading him around like seeds! Times when my lover and I are in sync and understand each other.

There other times when I don’t know what trust is anymore, when I am uncertain about his promises, times when his promises don’t hold any water! I scratch around looking for something, just anything to hold on to yet at the same time I want to throw the covers my head, cry in my pillow while hugging myself. At times I am just numb, void of any feeling not enthusiasm and surely not fear, just a numbness that is so engulfing.

I have just come to accept all these times; none of them makes me any less a Christian. It doesn't make me any less his. For just as He is, I am.

 “Put on the full armor of God, so that…you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” I have learnt to stand, sometimes I don’t know what to do, but I have a surety that after the torrent, I will remain standing in him.

Thank you, She Lovelies.

Appreciation should be given where it is due, and the sisterhood deserves more. You are awesome.