If my life were a song

If my life were song, it would surely let out more emotion than I can show on my own.

It would run really deep, singing about that which gives me deepest joy, awful sorrow, or a terrible numbness.

The notes would be filled with my timid-ness, ever present shyness that I mask by being a badass ninja!

It would tell about my friends, who I never really communicate with but have my back all the time. It would sing about the ones who are for the moment, like my friend for Orchestra concerts, or the one for pork! It would sing about my fall back friends, who regardless of when we last talked, we can always pick up from where we left off! It would elaborate on the unbearable ones, or the ones who I love dearly but never return the favor and just keep on taking me for granted.

It would surely let out more than I could ever be able to in a lifetime.

It would talk about my aspirations. They would keep changing that at a point the listeners will exclaim at my change of heart! It would tell of how I want to travel the world, be a hands and feet to all the busy people who want to make a change in the hearts of women and children in need around the world. It would sing of my passion for fashion and modeling. It would tell of my love for singing, which up to now I have failed to do something about!

It would tell of my deepest fear, it would let on about my fear of not being enough, of my fear of losing my faith and that of being too skinny. It would tell about my uncertainty with what the future holds but most all it would let out my fear of not being a light for him! I fear I may be too comfortable to make a difference.

I've been told my easy going-ness will surely lead many to God, but sometimes I am skeptical about that. Conversations about God have never come up in those model classes except when they are making very blasphemous comments about Him. I never even defend him in such moments and this is very unbearable and causes me so much discomfort. Yet Christ has given each of us grace according to his apportionment (Ephesians 4:7). I am certain whatever my part in the body is I am living it and as a whole, the body is being a light.

My light might be in my loud laughter, or in the fact that I do not advice the models to showcase in clubs, it could be in my easy going-ness as quite a number have of friends have said! However subtle it is, it is my little light. Though i may sometimes doubt it, it is still giving light, giving hope, reaching out!

If my life were a song, it would sing of how a young skinny girl with a spring in her step led her people home!

an appreciation

I started reading a certain blog around October 2012: She loves magazine. I cannot say I have been consistent; there are some days I just did not want to hear anything about God, not even from the She Lovelies! I love the sisterhood; this is the family everyone needs in life. I love the fact that we are free about our beliefs; that we talk about our worries, even the fact that sometimes we don’t believe God! No we are not saying we are atheists, we are accepting the fact that there are those times when not even the Bible makes sense!

It is amazing that I could write all the things in the last paragraph but I have come a long way! I do not know who puts this imagery of how a Christian should be/act like in our minds, that we forget who we are trying to follow this ideal of an ‘ideal Christian’. We throw away the fact that God is ‘the God who sees me’

My walk is crumpled with fear, with uncertainty and with myself! I fear that I may not be worthy after all; that he’s blood might not cover the multitude that is my sins. I fear that I am getting too comfortable, that on the day of accounts, I will just stand there dumb folded, tongue tied because of the weight of my unexplainable burden!

 I fear that I will lose my Jesus, that I will try so hard to find him and I will just lose him! But the worst thing is that I may see him going and I will stand there transfixed, my mind stuck on the chaos I have made instead!

There are times when I am all firmness and trusting. Standing on his promises and spreading him around like seeds! Times when my lover and I are in sync and understand each other.

There other times when I don’t know what trust is anymore, when I am uncertain about his promises, times when his promises don’t hold any water! I scratch around looking for something, just anything to hold on to yet at the same time I want to throw the covers my head, cry in my pillow while hugging myself. At times I am just numb, void of any feeling not enthusiasm and surely not fear, just a numbness that is so engulfing.

I have just come to accept all these times; none of them makes me any less a Christian. It doesn't make me any less his. For just as He is, I am.

 “Put on the full armor of God, so that…you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” I have learnt to stand, sometimes I don’t know what to do, but I have a surety that after the torrent, I will remain standing in him.

Thank you, She Lovelies.

Appreciation should be given where it is due, and the sisterhood deserves more. You are awesome.