the art of chaos

in a cafe kinda tired,going for a bible study. been home for long now  it feels wierd that am out and going back late.had ideas ofwhat I would write but not now. it seems my plan for the fone is ....but I have loved the faithfulness of him wholoves me.

Iam really moving fast cause I had gone past the time I tell myself I should be home. I see this figure, very still in a dark bushy place and as I am trying to figure out whether it is a person or something, the thing moves and zips it's fly! 'phew, it is just a guy peeing on the road side!". by this time I am close to him, he is going in the same direction I am. Dude feels like he should throw a word, I think he is one of those guys who feel they should say something every time they see a girl, and I mean it is 10:30 in a dim lit road just the two of us. "size yange, nga oyanguwa?" oh pliz not 'size yange', man those things dont go down well with me...and I remember just in bible study someone said if those men say something wierd,just laugh in there face. No I wasnt about to that, I told him to go and sleep and dude took offence so I anwered back,"that is why you pee on the road side!"...mmh things were not nice but his last word was,"why do you take offense when we say our desires, that is what you were created for!". Dude, stop just there, oh please not that line of thought, I just cant bear it! Is that all am here for?
In that line anyway, I have been doing those tests of 'get to know yourself'', I did a temeprament test and realised that I am a choleric-phlegmatic-sanguine! wierd though when may sister did it she concluded I am choleric-phleg! So on the compassionate characteristic,I had rated myself 3 and she said I am not compassionate atall, so she gave me a one!....whatever, It wont take me to heaven anyway. Now there is this other test I did in one of the old issues of 'Africanwoman'. I t was about 'how interesting you are' and I discovered that that thing thinks Iam bored to tears and have second rated opinions! Can you imagine. No Iam not bored to tears! I will not do those tests man, they underestimate me!

just a few thoughts

I was in choir practice just sometime ago and someone shared about the spiritual realm focusing mostly on the demons, how the devil tries to steal how prayers and stuff,.... yeah it seems an interesting topic but I guess not just for me. Lately I have come to accept that some things are not for me. I have come to a place where it is just my God and I, my relationship with him above everything else. I don't want to focus on the evil when the good will do me 'great'. "A friend of mine posted an update,'How can I love the moon when I have seen the sun!", and I guess that is my view on the dark side. I know it is there but I dont focus on it, my focus is on my God.

Lately i have been in a no action mode. At the beginning of this year I was so excited about a number of things. I thought I really got the direction God wants me to take with my career and stuff( which I still do btw), and I was so excited and vigilant about everything that would be connected to it, and now I am kinda there. In a swing or not in the swing. I know God will bring these things to pass cause He put these desires in me, but I am in the low mode JHC, this is the time when I am thinking of the reality of seriously how am I going to even achieve these things? I dont have resources nor do I know people an this is the killer, I dont think I even have skill. Now that is how bad things can get. In a situation when "If He doesnt make a move, you cannot move". It is either Him or Him. but onething I have been encouraged about these things that are not straight on office jobs but creative, it takes time and it can lead to despair at times. There are those moments when you will always think 'why didnt I go for a white collar job?'. but basically I am patient in the Lord, that is all I can say. I know I have a year to leave uni, and I cant promise that by then things will be okay, but ' He leads, I follow!"

girl is hanging

So girl meets boy, girl is crushed, boy is in love. Girl is disappointed, boy is in 7^th heaven. Girl starts moving on but stays in touch. Now boy has told girl he broke up with other girl. Oh and the reason why he is telling is because girl had met other girl before! eeeeiiiihhhhh heheheeh abantu batuleke. Now girl is in between a rock and a hard place, should she be happy because boy is now free or should she be sad because it didn’t work out for other gal. But truly boy must be a heartbreaker! Other girl was so nice, she wonders what happened. Girl is not raising hopes and no she aint kissing any frog!

B4R

beauty for righteousness , watch this space.

pages in that diary

So just like any other job there is patience in this too. A friend of mine asked if I was taking modeling as a career, when I said yes, he went on about being on magazine pages, billboards, celebrity blahblahblah and oh I wont be knowing them yet, can I give him some money?! Muzzle! I wish you new what that modeling schedule has right now, learn how to do catwalk in 6 inch stilettos, take a pose while walking, connect but be sophiscated,…..I am not seeing any money there honey. So I look at my newsfeed everyday and the only thing it has is fashion shows I aint participating in, do you know how I feel/ train wreck, heartache, ……things are happening, life is going on but I on the other are in toal bliss( or I am I?) doing nothing! So pliz don’t ask for money when you see me, I can deal with fashion shows passing me by but not friends who think I hit a goldmine!        

It is lunch hour, very many fellowships
songs here, there, there, and there
it is all noise, ranting ,ranting.
It doesnt make sense, no it doesnt
People are giving testimonies
Robert sks for 2 more
I wnt to speak, speak?
about what? Tell them what?
How you catch my interest with the desires of my heart
and then grab them back?
how you deny me of what Im surely need?
tell them what?
...some one cracks a joke
it is funny but right now it is humorless
I laugh, it aint amusing but I just cant stop
I cant stop my self
not because it is comical but absurd
an absurd joke, an absurd life, an absurd me!
you talk to me, I dont want to listen
I want tot keep you out, shut you up
if I listen, you will comfirm how unreasonable and selfish this all sounds
No I wont listen, I will blame you
robbie talks about the renewing of the mind
you tell me,'that is what I have been trying to tell you!'
you tell me about the guy who plants seeds
sleeps and the corn grows to give fruit.
'It takes time Judith,A seed cannot grow that fast,
it has to be firm in the ground spread root,
get nutrients and grow.
continue in me. Know the truth and it will set you free.
Have you now given up?'
Stop sounding in my head
you are like a clanging cymbal.
why dont you let me be unreasonable?
let me complain pliz
Iam tired of being a watchman
tiresd of believing for every thing.
I thiought it ought to be a life and one in abundance at that!
but I will wait coz my hope is in you.
even at moments like this when you seem busy
with hurricanes, wars and floods
and you cant grace my trivial isuues
i will hold on because you know the number of the hair on my head.
you have hedged from before and infront
I will wait on you because you knew me in my mother's womb
and you have perfected all that perfects me.
you will never leave me nor forsake me.

I look towards the throne and wonder how I should I come before the Lord. The blood of a thousand calves cannot do nor can all the money in the world wide. Should i come with praises that could cause an uproar in the whole world, or jump in a dance like David did.  Yet you need just me nothing else, me whether broken, beaten up and bruised allover, you donnot care. You require mercy and justice LORD nothing more.   Malachi 6.6,10........failed to finish

'turn me around,pick me up,undo what I have become. bring me back to the place of forgiveness and rest. I need you , I need your help. I cannot do this myself. You are the only one who can undo what i have become!' I love these lyrics.Rush of fools yeahhhhh.

storms never last

I do not spend a whole week lamenting! The week that is past was tricky, very tricky. After discovering my crush is taken, I realised my friend had wanted to move out with me at one time and mbu I hadplayed along. Am I slow or am I just a girl? Truthfully at that time my crushes were as common as taking a breath.......Iam super suprised because by the time I realised it was when he was withdrawing but even then it wasnt a big deal to me!mmmmmh any rehab is mine now,though I wonder why I amsaying rehab yet there is no one I am rehabing from but you never know the next cute and..... guy I meet!
I am settled though even after a torrent, I am really fine. It is funny how people can ask again like they do not believe you the first time but I am fine bambi! was looking at my campus dinner snaps  and decided to upoad some... which reminds someone told me I didnt have a date because there is no way someone can ask me since I act like the person is there! btw I was in youth office and a friend of mine asked me about my choir boyfriend. You should have seen me, my pulse raced and I am thinking who told him. It was amazing how one can be guilty!!!!! I guess my thiughts were like 'guilty, guilty pants on fire!' mmmh naye banage I should stop working  my brain in 3D.I realisedit was just a random question like,' Do you eat pork,Judith?'. eeeeh aaaah I am on rehab, the next time such a querry comes up, I will be steady with something like,'i do not know what you are talking about. oba who is that one?'...okay I better go back to compiling my proposal!

time again.

it is toward my birthday. I am not really excited because half of my 20th year has been tricky bambi. Guy issues here ,guy issues there simetimes it made me wonder whether I was meant to haveguy issues. First I had like 100 crushes,okay to be excited they were 4! munange Iam human, dont let your jaw drop! I dissappointed two of those and the third/ I dont know what happened but the 4th added salt to the wound. but you know what storms never last, jeez that guy opened abook for me, the kind that I had benn unknowingly opening for people but god is great,iam a bit fine! I was really hurt,It is really not nice to lead someone on and then pour cold water inthere face,bambi it aint nice at all. this brings me to my years resolution, I am in rehab for a yearand in this time i will crush on god over and over again. Atleast I will be assured of the reciprocation!

...

last week Allan told me Glow wants me to be a zone leader of Stuart's zone. I am excited but at the same time scared.this is something I havent told anyone i know I am hyped and have mob zeal about about God but sometimes I feel I dont do quiet time enough,nor do I pray that much,and neither do I read my bible that much. I love hanging around Gloria and Timothy because they say things that I might nor might not know in a totally different way that I would never think about.at times I think it is because they spend so much time withHim that they have these revelations.
another thing is that I have been a cell leader and a sectional but things haven't been that good so I don't know whether this is what I am meant to do but the Lord has given me a tap on my back.

yeeeah

hey watsup! sometime it has been, i wanted to talk to someone about this but well i didnt quite get the time to talk.actually I wanted to talk to Glow about it. I have decided to join modelling and I dont know how people will take it. Tim was suprised though he didnt express it I noticed the silence when I mentioned it. I met a friend who introduced me to a guy who manages shika models. I feel my emotions are escalating between doubt and happiness.many a times i have told myself I couldnt do this. I guess you are wondering why I am making a big deal out of this but I am the kind that suffer with pride. all I used to live for was the show and it was all for who sees me. my world when I look back now was abit shallow soooooo shallow. I dont want to go back there but then this is something i love and I am going to take it a day at a time. Lord let not the things of this world sway me!

obviously underneath

All I do is for your glory,and you are the one who helps me do whatsoever i do.Even after knowing this,I tend to think the glory is all mine.I tend to do it for show.its not my intention but it is obviously underneath,lurking in my guts...waiting for acknowledgement.
it puts me down that I could feel like that even at this point of our relationship,but it wont let me down.
When you rode on that donkey while going to Jerusalem, I am positive it must have felt good
"check the master is riding on my back!" it must have said but it still trodded into the walls of Jerusalem.
and if it told itself to stop just because it had taken glory in riding on its back, you wouldnot have entered into the city walls. Imgine clothes were laid down for it to walk on! jeeez!
I wont slow even for a second,though the me thing is lurking deep down on my guts.I am still the broken vessel you chose in the beggining.I wasnt perfect then, I aint now, and I am not gonna be any time soon.
I am a work in progress,I tell myself that every morning and as I fan into flame, I will keep reminding myself.\The glory is yours forever and ever.

today

its been really long you know, I actually not fine, tabs are making ma day hell, i breathe out tabs.... can you imagine everything I do has tabs gosh!nway my head iis spinning, I have done some course work good things there, I have got he stuff I wanted naye lwakuba that guy wats extra ordinary things so I have to type nice things.God has been good though,you know how campus can make you broke and more broke,naye ma pockets havent run dry no they havent.

i have facebooking Brandon Heath's notes,there was a not.what is your Eden? I donnot truthfully know which memory could be my Eden, I didnot have a bad childhood but i just cannot point a finger on that particular time that i can focus on and say trutlly this memory can take me through the tough times. I guess sometimes one needs to scratch really underneath yet for some people this might be at the top of thier heads. its funny how different we are any way God works in diversity. Iam happy about where Iam and I know I will have very many Edens to pick. The Lord is on myside.