going to 22

20 finds me,chasing relevance and belonging
i saw you in the music but the musicbox was so shallow
it took so much yet gave so little
just thought you'd be simpler than chord,softer than notes.
i got a glance of you in the pipo,
wounded hearts and hurting souls
they knew youbut they cudnt place you in this reality
in their company you said you said you dwelt
but never did anyone heal.

i know its just another birthday,
but i guess i thought this would be the one when you would call me,see me,hold me and free me
but its just another birthday and i will be fine.


21 finds me, broken hearted, empty and dry
i gave myself up to love,but my sun rose not from where it ought to
couldby they understand,i just wanted to feel loved?
broken hearted they ended up
i caught the virus,for the first time 'I' wasn't the main thing.
like a karma,what went to them came back to me.
my thread patched heart was untied and the pieces blown away

with all the familiar faces, it's sad but am a stranger
my smile has become plastic,my heart,wrenched and bleeding
you said that you love me,I'm yet to get the meaning
plis Jesus come and save me,put the pieces back together
make me the bride that you adore

just when i thought it was over,you came in like a superhero
though the pain dint go away, we cried through it all,we laughed it off together,
until we got out of the hole.
atlast i knew, i understood
i dint need to belong

22 is coming,i can't wait to see the seed you've sown
Iam dressed in white,pure has become me
my cup of trust is half empty,but we know how far we've come
you've given me great friends
we're living the dream,more than the American one.
and it is just the beginning
you're my happy birthday
you were born to break my chains

 

 

 

Trust withou boarders

matt 7:24-28. It talks about the wise and foolish man who build on the rock and on sand respectively!
I have grown to know the right answer to the two, i will go with the house on the rock! All this time i have been picturing myself springing into a dance on the rock, then screaming to the guys on the sand,"Ya'll lost niggers!". It never occured to me that this is actually a cliff, very slippery, any slight unplanned turn takes me to the ocean below! And the house on my rock is just a shack, very small compared to the mansion on the sand! Staying on this rock is totally impossible.
Now behold I ask again with every situation explained,"Judith what do you choose?"

No i aint talking about a dumb dichotomy! I am talking about either losing control and letting go or being able to control each and every variable, if there is even such a thing!
The shack and the rock need dependence on a source beyond, total giving in! I cant imagine even a jump on this the rock!

Oceans(where feet may fail) has been on repeat for a while, it should be my best song on that album! It talks about being plunged into the ocean,the unknown where feet may fail. My significant word is may. You realise there is a possibility of walking! But how can that odd be for me? " Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters. Take me deeper then my feet will ever wander, where my faith will be made stronger. In the presence of my saviour. And somewhere it says you have never failed and you wont start now!

The Lord rebuked me about our relationship. " The difcerence between the relationship we have and that which it is meant to be is the difference between god you want me to be and this who Iam! Dumbfolded, i cannot add anything to that!
" This aint a payback relationship, where you're having one with me because you owe me one. You cant pay me back so please dont try!!!! This aint one for feeling good, earning points or whatever else you call it. You are either with me for me or nothing!!!!" :-( " This you cannot control, i do control it. Iif you need control, get a dog and comeback ready to give it all! Mine is all or nothing!"

So i ask, isnt there a part where i can still love you and remain "who i am", not get out of my way or anything like that.
" This aint a safe zone, mine is totally irrational, uncomfortable, mine aint safe at all. If you need safe, get a pillow made out of feathers!"

commitment, Responsibility: the problem of growing up

I guess what makes growing up so hard is commitment! Commiting to yo work, yo friends and eventually yo spouse.

Earlier on in the month i got a mid year crisis! ;-) not because i had nor fulfilled most of my resolution but it had struck me that i might stop and run as fast as my feet could carry me.

Paul was right, when u are young you think,act and speak like a child. When i was growing up, i never worked at anything! Things found me where i was, friends looked for me. You see i was a bright kid, i never had to read! But now everything seems to be for working at! I have work at my friendships,(i have quite a few of the old) , my studies, my dreams, my God, and even being me! You might think am exagerating but i once broke up with a dude just because i feared pipo calling me his girlfriend, then i will have to step with my communication issues and stuff, and one day he gave me an excuse. He said i meet his mother!!! That was it. I run, very fast just after a month! :-/

Things got worse when i had to work at my relationship with God. Yes i made up excuses until when i found myself in the earlier talked about mid year crisis!
My word for the year is vulnerable and so far its been hard.
To be vulnerable is to depend, give all, feel all. Its to open yourself to everything and anything! Bottom line being vulnerable is just not me.
But he'd given me this word, i had to follow through!

I have a friend helping me out with conceptualising the fashion shop business, and today i got a panic attack! Wat if it is just a phase? What if i just up and run? What if it aint my happy everafter?
You see the bad thing about telling pipo yo dreams, is that you will be reminded everytime. Ever in your face!;->

I have learnt commitment is learned. It is a decission. Commitment is the essense of love. Un commitment is not freedom!

Today i listened to Daniel in the den of lions. It is funny that the story talks less about him in the den,but more about the before and after!
Dan had decided before the incident(precided) that the Lord God of Abraham is his God. When the decree was made, he still did the same as everyday(pray three times a day). They dont tell whether he trembled or not, whether he was scared or not and trust me,he was! But he had precided it will be his God whatever the sitiation!