financials

I just had a date with friends, a friend and her friend, who later on became my friend. So well, I just had a date with friends. My friend ( the older)  lost her laptop sometime back to fraudsters. It must have been devastating.  oh no let me rephrase that, it was devastating.  So I decided to take her out and I must say I had too much fun, the adrenalin has refused to reduce so that I can get a good night's sleep.

So I am here at 1 in the morning,  writing after a really long time. I have wanted to write, God knows I have but ... but ... well I can't think of a reason to give as to why I haven't written in a long while. But then I have tI just had a date with a friends, a friend and her friend, who later on became my friend. So well, I just had a date with friends. Her friend ( the older)  lost her laptop sometime back to fraudsters. It must have been devastating.  oh no let me crephrase that, it was devastating.  So I decided to take her out and I must say I had too much fun, the adrenalinhas refused to reduce so that I can get a good night's sleep.

So I am here at 1 in the morning,  wroting after a really long time. I have wanted to write, God knows I have but ... but ... well I can't think of a reason to give as to why I haven't written in a long while. But then I have to realise that no reason is the biggest reason, because everything else is just an excuse. But no reason, is a good place. Or so I tell myself.

Since I started my new job, (this is my shy way of saying I started a new job, Kinda like drop it in the middle of a post like it is any other thing). But since I did, I have had much opportunity to meet the needs of different people around me. Ahem not really, truthfully what I have been doing is throw money at problems.

Before the job, I would get frustrated at all the different problems the people around me were facing and I used to wish I had money to give everyone and sort them out. Now I am on this side of the coin, and I have realised more than anything they want someone to listen.  Yes you can chip in with your money but listen!

It's been a humblimg experience but I am learning that memeories are remebered more than pitching in. Thing is, money is never enough, that the economists got it right. So even though I am to throw money at the problems it would be done before the problems do, then I'd get frustrated again!


I began the job with all the good intentions. I was going to be financially prudent. I had a budget and a space for daily expenditures.  It worked for the first month and the second, then the third came ...all hell broke loose. No matter how much planning I did, I couldn't meet my needs.  So I subtracted and added and it seemed to work for the first two weeks. But I wasn't cut out for living on more than a shoe string budget, so I snapped and just started buying things. In any case, the money was already not enough. It couldn't be less enough!

At the beginning of this I asked Elous to teach me to depend on her regardless of my bank balance.  These are things I am learning. To know, like really know that he is my provider, jehovah jireh. So we have been talking with Sara and sometimes I get it. Though to reflect upon the past few months, I must say he's taken care of me. I learning to make my budget regardless of my pay check. I have favour, people give me things.  People look out for me. I could say I am loved or something. But this is how she is taking care of me. Through the people around me.

If my life were a song

If my life were song, it would surely let out more emotion than I can show on my own.

It would run really deep, singing about that which gives me deepest joy, awful sorrow, or a terrible numbness.

The notes would be filled with my timid-ness, ever present shyness that I mask by being a badass ninja!

It would tell about my friends, who I never really communicate with but have my back all the time. It would sing about the ones who are for the moment, like my friend for Orchestra concerts, or the one for pork! It would sing about my fall back friends, who regardless of when we last talked, we can always pick up from where we left off! It would elaborate on the unbearable ones, or the ones who I love dearly but never return the favor and just keep on taking me for granted.

It would surely let out more than I could ever be able to in a lifetime.

It would talk about my aspirations. They would keep changing that at a point the listeners will exclaim at my change of heart! It would tell of how I want to travel the world, be a hands and feet to all the busy people who want to make a change in the hearts of women and children in need around the world. It would sing of my passion for fashion and modeling. It would tell of my love for singing, which up to now I have failed to do something about!

It would tell of my deepest fear, it would let on about my fear of not being enough, of my fear of losing my faith and that of being too skinny. It would tell about my uncertainty with what the future holds but most all it would let out my fear of not being a light for him! I fear I may be too comfortable to make a difference.

I've been told my easy going-ness will surely lead many to God, but sometimes I am skeptical about that. Conversations about God have never come up in those model classes except when they are making very blasphemous comments about Him. I never even defend him in such moments and this is very unbearable and causes me so much discomfort. Yet Christ has given each of us grace according to his apportionment (Ephesians 4:7). I am certain whatever my part in the body is I am living it and as a whole, the body is being a light.

My light might be in my loud laughter, or in the fact that I do not advice the models to showcase in clubs, it could be in my easy going-ness as quite a number have of friends have said! However subtle it is, it is my little light. Though i may sometimes doubt it, it is still giving light, giving hope, reaching out!

If my life were a song, it would sing of how a young skinny girl with a spring in her step led her people home!

an appreciation

I started reading a certain blog around October 2012: She loves magazine. I cannot say I have been consistent; there are some days I just did not want to hear anything about God, not even from the She Lovelies! I love the sisterhood; this is the family everyone needs in life. I love the fact that we are free about our beliefs; that we talk about our worries, even the fact that sometimes we don’t believe God! No we are not saying we are atheists, we are accepting the fact that there are those times when not even the Bible makes sense!

It is amazing that I could write all the things in the last paragraph but I have come a long way! I do not know who puts this imagery of how a Christian should be/act like in our minds, that we forget who we are trying to follow this ideal of an ‘ideal Christian’. We throw away the fact that God is ‘the God who sees me’

My walk is crumpled with fear, with uncertainty and with myself! I fear that I may not be worthy after all; that he’s blood might not cover the multitude that is my sins. I fear that I am getting too comfortable, that on the day of accounts, I will just stand there dumb folded, tongue tied because of the weight of my unexplainable burden!

 I fear that I will lose my Jesus, that I will try so hard to find him and I will just lose him! But the worst thing is that I may see him going and I will stand there transfixed, my mind stuck on the chaos I have made instead!

There are times when I am all firmness and trusting. Standing on his promises and spreading him around like seeds! Times when my lover and I are in sync and understand each other.

There other times when I don’t know what trust is anymore, when I am uncertain about his promises, times when his promises don’t hold any water! I scratch around looking for something, just anything to hold on to yet at the same time I want to throw the covers my head, cry in my pillow while hugging myself. At times I am just numb, void of any feeling not enthusiasm and surely not fear, just a numbness that is so engulfing.

I have just come to accept all these times; none of them makes me any less a Christian. It doesn't make me any less his. For just as He is, I am.

 “Put on the full armor of God, so that…you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand” I have learnt to stand, sometimes I don’t know what to do, but I have a surety that after the torrent, I will remain standing in him.

Thank you, She Lovelies.

Appreciation should be given where it is due, and the sisterhood deserves more. You are awesome.

going to 22

20 finds me,chasing relevance and belonging
i saw you in the music but the musicbox was so shallow
it took so much yet gave so little
just thought you'd be simpler than chord,softer than notes.
i got a glance of you in the pipo,
wounded hearts and hurting souls
they knew youbut they cudnt place you in this reality
in their company you said you said you dwelt
but never did anyone heal.

i know its just another birthday,
but i guess i thought this would be the one when you would call me,see me,hold me and free me
but its just another birthday and i will be fine.


21 finds me, broken hearted, empty and dry
i gave myself up to love,but my sun rose not from where it ought to
couldby they understand,i just wanted to feel loved?
broken hearted they ended up
i caught the virus,for the first time 'I' wasn't the main thing.
like a karma,what went to them came back to me.
my thread patched heart was untied and the pieces blown away

with all the familiar faces, it's sad but am a stranger
my smile has become plastic,my heart,wrenched and bleeding
you said that you love me,I'm yet to get the meaning
plis Jesus come and save me,put the pieces back together
make me the bride that you adore

just when i thought it was over,you came in like a superhero
though the pain dint go away, we cried through it all,we laughed it off together,
until we got out of the hole.
atlast i knew, i understood
i dint need to belong

22 is coming,i can't wait to see the seed you've sown
Iam dressed in white,pure has become me
my cup of trust is half empty,but we know how far we've come
you've given me great friends
we're living the dream,more than the American one.
and it is just the beginning
you're my happy birthday
you were born to break my chains

 

 

 

Trust withou boarders

matt 7:24-28. It talks about the wise and foolish man who build on the rock and on sand respectively!
I have grown to know the right answer to the two, i will go with the house on the rock! All this time i have been picturing myself springing into a dance on the rock, then screaming to the guys on the sand,"Ya'll lost niggers!". It never occured to me that this is actually a cliff, very slippery, any slight unplanned turn takes me to the ocean below! And the house on my rock is just a shack, very small compared to the mansion on the sand! Staying on this rock is totally impossible.
Now behold I ask again with every situation explained,"Judith what do you choose?"

No i aint talking about a dumb dichotomy! I am talking about either losing control and letting go or being able to control each and every variable, if there is even such a thing!
The shack and the rock need dependence on a source beyond, total giving in! I cant imagine even a jump on this the rock!

Oceans(where feet may fail) has been on repeat for a while, it should be my best song on that album! It talks about being plunged into the ocean,the unknown where feet may fail. My significant word is may. You realise there is a possibility of walking! But how can that odd be for me? " Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders, let me walk upon the waters. Take me deeper then my feet will ever wander, where my faith will be made stronger. In the presence of my saviour. And somewhere it says you have never failed and you wont start now!

The Lord rebuked me about our relationship. " The difcerence between the relationship we have and that which it is meant to be is the difference between god you want me to be and this who Iam! Dumbfolded, i cannot add anything to that!
" This aint a payback relationship, where you're having one with me because you owe me one. You cant pay me back so please dont try!!!! This aint one for feeling good, earning points or whatever else you call it. You are either with me for me or nothing!!!!" :-( " This you cannot control, i do control it. Iif you need control, get a dog and comeback ready to give it all! Mine is all or nothing!"

So i ask, isnt there a part where i can still love you and remain "who i am", not get out of my way or anything like that.
" This aint a safe zone, mine is totally irrational, uncomfortable, mine aint safe at all. If you need safe, get a pillow made out of feathers!"

commitment, Responsibility: the problem of growing up

I guess what makes growing up so hard is commitment! Commiting to yo work, yo friends and eventually yo spouse.

Earlier on in the month i got a mid year crisis! ;-) not because i had nor fulfilled most of my resolution but it had struck me that i might stop and run as fast as my feet could carry me.

Paul was right, when u are young you think,act and speak like a child. When i was growing up, i never worked at anything! Things found me where i was, friends looked for me. You see i was a bright kid, i never had to read! But now everything seems to be for working at! I have work at my friendships,(i have quite a few of the old) , my studies, my dreams, my God, and even being me! You might think am exagerating but i once broke up with a dude just because i feared pipo calling me his girlfriend, then i will have to step with my communication issues and stuff, and one day he gave me an excuse. He said i meet his mother!!! That was it. I run, very fast just after a month! :-/

Things got worse when i had to work at my relationship with God. Yes i made up excuses until when i found myself in the earlier talked about mid year crisis!
My word for the year is vulnerable and so far its been hard.
To be vulnerable is to depend, give all, feel all. Its to open yourself to everything and anything! Bottom line being vulnerable is just not me.
But he'd given me this word, i had to follow through!

I have a friend helping me out with conceptualising the fashion shop business, and today i got a panic attack! Wat if it is just a phase? What if i just up and run? What if it aint my happy everafter?
You see the bad thing about telling pipo yo dreams, is that you will be reminded everytime. Ever in your face!;->

I have learnt commitment is learned. It is a decission. Commitment is the essense of love. Un commitment is not freedom!

Today i listened to Daniel in the den of lions. It is funny that the story talks less about him in the den,but more about the before and after!
Dan had decided before the incident(precided) that the Lord God of Abraham is his God. When the decree was made, he still did the same as everyday(pray three times a day). They dont tell whether he trembled or not, whether he was scared or not and trust me,he was! But he had precided it will be his God whatever the sitiation!

 

the art of chaos